Hey

I have like 18 hours plus in KLIA, i'll be chasing butterflies around here.
awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

nahhh
I'll do Maths, perhaps?
WHO THE HELL studies MATHS in KLIA?
ooo... ME(!)

this is my first time staying outside from my house. Nevertheless, i think it'll be a good experience and it'll be worthy :)

Where Should I Head To Now?

you haven't left yet, but i'm missing you already.
after this, how's life? when you wont be here, where i'm going?

Its Been A Long Time

9 months is a very long time. approximately 270 days.

suddenly you were left to stand on your own,
rely on no one else except yourself.
left with your own sense of direction,
your own opinions, your own point of view. 

its weird.. very very weird.

not sure how can i adapt to this, but i have to. i must.

Depressed

the best word to describe me right now.

but hey, my eyes didnt swell up till yesterday when i slept alone. kinda like crashed my friends' place here and there. finding reasons not to crash alone. never knew after a few nights not sleeping alone could like pull me down again.

i'm back after leaving this blog unattended. my fault. was thinking of writing a diary. sounds pathetic i know. but sarah says its even more depressing if i wrote it down. blog or diary? maybe diary will be fine. i mean its surreal. i could actually change my way of writing. depends on the emotions that i felt i guess. maybe will wet a few pages with tears or spill drinks on it.

i am hating all these changes and roller-coaster rides.

but i kinda found a new way to kill time and stop thinking about all those emotional stuffs. maths. lol seriously(?)

Facebook can kill time too. lots of time in fact. but i lost the reason for me to go online.. i'll be like Chipsmore. after a few minutes, then i'll be gone.

how's life gonna be? i dont know.

Its Over!

finally I could just continue on with my life :D

Vino and Vecky picked me up around 8.40am. all the Vs in the car HAHHAHA went for breakfast with sam, maxim, dana, kesh, vino and I. vecky followed shalvin and thina somewhere else lol

went there met up with shawn, sat in the canteen, waiting for the crowd to enter.

started panicking like hell when its almost 10am!! but end up, my results were better than what i've expected ahahahahahha didnt get all As la but i was really thankful that i didnt have a D there :D even my addmaths and chemistry got C! i thought i'll get Ds for that :X

i know i screwed up all my science subjects, thats why i didnt dare to put high expectations for it. but thank God everything went well and came out better than what i've expected :D

and congratulations to everyone that got good results! i've been spamming their walls like mad and congratulating them over and over again :D but i was really really really happy for them, even when mine is like shit :X

a big thank you to vino, jeski, vecky, for borrowing your hands and letting me hold them for a while :X maxim, i know i've been messing with your pink blouse before taking the results hahahah i couldnt control my hands that time weyh! and also sam, faiq, vinod, kesh! :) thanks a lot guys, for chilling me out! YOU GUYS WERE AWESOMEEE!

Don't Love

"Dont love. Goodbye will always come."

"It hurts so much that you cant even breath."

"I thought that it'd only hurt as much as I love you, that it'd be ok that I could forget it."

"But no, it hurts thousand times more."

"I'm afraid. Leaving my eyes opened."

"Because even if I'm searching, I wont be able to see you."

"Instead of yearning for you, living with my eyes closed is probably better."

"Dont love. It hurts so much that you feel like dying."

"Tears fall each and everyday."

It Ended.

i know its not a good choice to post out your personal life on social websites. but i just really need to blast out first before flying outta space. you get what i meant?

i dont care who the hell sees this post. i just need to let it all out.

its just heartbreaking. it felt as if someone just stabbed you right at your chest. immediately cried after knowing that i was being used and played like a doll.

i've been pathetic since 3/4 days ago. cried like hell on the first night for 4 hours, no one to talk to that time, just lied on the bed and cry the whole night. negative thoughts started visiting me. almost searched for a scissors and get high on panadols. almost. slept for 2 hours only. woke up the next morning thinking "what am i supposed to do without him in my life?". pathetic i know. but thats what happened. the second closest person that i was attached to. even it was barely 6 months we were together. it felt as if he was The One. never felt that in any of my past relationships. i sincerely felt that.

the second day, i couldnt take it anymore. i scared i'll really do stupid stuffs when i'm all alone in the room. so i stayed overnight at vino's place. i was lying on the floor. covered my head with a pillow, wanting to sleep but ended up crying again. i sat up and continue with what i was doing. and i couldnt breath at one moment. i swear i thought i got asthma/heart attack. really couldnt breath. then i started holding my breath. to calm myself down. then everything went normal again. lasted for 1 and a half hours. i was staring at the clock when vino forced me to sleep. she was right beside me. calming me down. crying together with me at the same time.

i ended all that on the third day. i thought about what i wanna say before. i was so disappointed until i have the urge to slap him. but when i saw him. i blacked out. completely forgotten what i wanted to say. and started panicking. the only thing that i remember was my head spinning and my hands were out of control. i was trying very hard to take control of my own mind and prevent any tears from falling. i managed to do so. i think. i wanted to just show how i felt. how it really hurt me. how frustrated i was at that moment. i'm tired of telling people that i'm okay but actually i'm not! I'M NOT OKAY AT ALL!

i'm tired of people who i dont even know. texting me. asking me out. spamming my chat box. asking me to get on skype. trying to hit on me when i dont even feel like getting into another relationship. I AM NOT READY. i am still attached to someone even though i couldnt have it as my own!

i'm tired of holding back my tears. i'm tired of acting, empty promises, lies!

but that moment, i sucked it all up. i just did. the truth is, i really wanted to hug him. even though nothing's gonna change..

i left.

letting go the person that you obviously still have feelings for. its painful. the fact that you have to leave every single thing away. memories that you've made together. pictures. messages. stuffed toys. every thing. EVERY THING.

and here i am. crying again.