It Ended.

i know its not a good choice to post out your personal life on social websites. but i just really need to blast out first before flying outta space. you get what i meant?

i dont care who the hell sees this post. i just need to let it all out.

its just heartbreaking. it felt as if someone just stabbed you right at your chest. immediately cried after knowing that i was being used and played like a doll.

i've been pathetic since 3/4 days ago. cried like hell on the first night for 4 hours, no one to talk to that time, just lied on the bed and cry the whole night. negative thoughts started visiting me. almost searched for a scissors and get high on panadols. almost. slept for 2 hours only. woke up the next morning thinking "what am i supposed to do without him in my life?". pathetic i know. but thats what happened. the second closest person that i was attached to. even it was barely 6 months we were together. it felt as if he was The One. never felt that in any of my past relationships. i sincerely felt that.

the second day, i couldnt take it anymore. i scared i'll really do stupid stuffs when i'm all alone in the room. so i stayed overnight at vino's place. i was lying on the floor. covered my head with a pillow, wanting to sleep but ended up crying again. i sat up and continue with what i was doing. and i couldnt breath at one moment. i swear i thought i got asthma/heart attack. really couldnt breath. then i started holding my breath. to calm myself down. then everything went normal again. lasted for 1 and a half hours. i was staring at the clock when vino forced me to sleep. she was right beside me. calming me down. crying together with me at the same time.

i ended all that on the third day. i thought about what i wanna say before. i was so disappointed until i have the urge to slap him. but when i saw him. i blacked out. completely forgotten what i wanted to say. and started panicking. the only thing that i remember was my head spinning and my hands were out of control. i was trying very hard to take control of my own mind and prevent any tears from falling. i managed to do so. i think. i wanted to just show how i felt. how it really hurt me. how frustrated i was at that moment. i'm tired of telling people that i'm okay but actually i'm not! I'M NOT OKAY AT ALL!

i'm tired of people who i dont even know. texting me. asking me out. spamming my chat box. asking me to get on skype. trying to hit on me when i dont even feel like getting into another relationship. I AM NOT READY. i am still attached to someone even though i couldnt have it as my own!

i'm tired of holding back my tears. i'm tired of acting, empty promises, lies!

but that moment, i sucked it all up. i just did. the truth is, i really wanted to hug him. even though nothing's gonna change..

i left.

letting go the person that you obviously still have feelings for. its painful. the fact that you have to leave every single thing away. memories that you've made together. pictures. messages. stuffed toys. every thing. EVERY THING.

and here i am. crying again.